January 11, 2012

A Life Resolution...Or Get Off My Planet

I get bugged by things in an almost OCD kinda way...Obsessive, sometimes.  It's sorta like people who watch CSI and NCIS and follow the clues in 60 minutes or less for the solution, except I can't watch those shows because it makes my anxiety crazy.  Seriously, sometimes I have to leave the room over Law & Order because I can't stand the anticipation.  Issues?  Yes.

There's a blog I read regularly...another one of those things I believe to be not random.  How do you find this one blog out of the quadzillion on  the web that speaks to you in so many ways?  See, it just can't be chance.  The universe is too damn ginormous to be random.  (You should read it, too!  edenriley.com)  I envy her truth and her ballsy approach to life...I am jealous that she walks about this Earth with skin so thick others' words don't sting the way they do me.  I wish I had that backbone.  Sometimes I think we can't be honest because it hurts too much.

Being honest with one's self and others is simply being who you are, except it's not always so simple.  It's wearing the funky clothes you want to wear, not what your friends are wearing.  It's getting that tattoo you always wanted even though your grandmother would turn in her grave.  It's leaving the secure job that makes sense to take the leap into one that is your passion.  It's living your truth for you.

I try not to make resolutions because I generally fail.  Sometimes I think I just sabotage myself because it's easier to get the failure over with early on.  Little threads of annoyance have crept into my mind of late, though, and I have made one this year.  But, this is to be a forever resolution~not just for the year.  What I want to is be more me, and I want others to do the same (except they need to be more them...not more me.) I want to be able to say, "No, I can't help with that," and not feel guilty.   I want to be able to admit I really just don't like to travel that far from home and not be looked at like I have two heads.  I want to sing and dance and not worry about what others think or say.  Dirt off your shoulder, yes?

When I go to the gym, I'm not gonna care if some lithe, young girl who has no knowledge of what three kids will do to her body looks at me funny when I'm jamming out to Eminem or Jay-Z while I trudge on the treadmill.  (I bought some fancy running shoes, but I don't want to wear them out too quickly.  I'm pacing myself for the sake of the shoes.)  I will carve out time for me so I can be a better mom and wife.  I'm gonna go on a friggin' search-and-rescue mission for that carefree, fun girl I used to be.  She's out there somewhere.  Go be you.


  1. Darlin', This was an eloquently brilliant post and I applaud you! You touched upon many of my own shared insecurities... more importantly, you have given me strength to begin facing them. Baby steps, to be sure - but I'm inspired. Thank you so much and I'm sending you luck, love and good wishes across the miles on your journey!