March 2, 2012

Eden's Meme...It's A Sign (If You Know What To Look For)

I have been cold before.  Playing in the snow when the wetness has seeped through too-thin gloves from too many hours outside; Sitting around the campfire after the warm fall sun has set and the chill has set in; Lying on a table, tubes running hither and yon,waiting to see my babies' faces for the first time.


Twice I have been cold in a way that aches.  It is a cold that you feel in the marrow of your bones.  A cold that makes your body curl into a fetal position so that you might find some warmth you didn't know was there.  It is a cold that makes your soul feel like it will shatter into a million pieces.


Round One
The first time was the night my dear aunt (of Wanda's Stripper Dip fame) passed away.  I had not gone on vacation with my parents to visit her, which was divine intervention.  After hanging out with friends, in the wee hours of the night I went to bed.  As I pulled the sheets to my chin, I felt ice running through my veins.  My teeth began chattering uncontrollably to the point I thought they would break.  I struggled to get warm, but there was none to be had.  Eventually I drifted off to sleep, but tossed and turned the rest of the night.


Shortly after I woke the next morning, I heard the garage door open.  My parents weren't due home until the next day, so I was more than surprised to see the car in the driveway.  My mother came in very ill, and my brother followed, silently, behind her.  My father came in with arms outstretched walking toward me.  As he wrapped them around me, he said, "Aunt Wanda is gone."  The rest is a blur, but I do remember my dear neighbor, who passed away a few years ago, taking me out on the porch for a cigarette and a beer.  Apparently he thought that's what his underage neighbor needed, and he was right.  A marlboro red and a busch beer...I'll never forget him or those.


I realized later that day that she passed about the same time my cold chill happened.  I prefer to believe it was her passing by me on her way to greater places.  I know she would not leave this world without saying goodbye in some form or fashion.


Round Two
Remember that scene in Coal Miner's Daughter where Sissy Spacek tells the audience she is overwhelmed and life's been happen' too fast, then she looks out into the audience for Doo, her husband, to come get her off the stage?  I know what that feels like.  One night, when life was moving way too fast, I climbed into my bed, jacked the electric blanket to 10, and wished for some shred of warmth. I found none.  I realized it was time to slow down.  I wasn't a kid anymore, and I needed to take care of things in my life. I cleaned house, so to speak, starting the next day.  


My grandfathers and my aunt had all passed by this point, so I'm not sure which one was looking out for me.  I know I was burning my candle at both ends, and I would've soon crashed.  It doesn't matter which one it was, really; They all roost upon my shoulders at different points.


Some people walk this earth with a guardian angel they've never known, but I know mine.  They walked me through life up to different points, holding my hand while still pushing me into independence.  Sometimes I sense them there, so I say hello.  If it creeps me out, I ask them to leave.  Sometimes I need to be alone without them, but they're always in the wings...looking, waiting, ready to swoop in and nest on my shoulders so I am never truly alone...and will never be for the rest of eternity.

19 comments:

  1. i love this - it must give you such peace knowing that you are never alone, and the you absolutely know your angels. beautiful.

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    1. It is certainly peaceful. Sometimes I say, "Hey! A little help here!" and hope they're listening!

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  2. Wow Tallye, you are a wonderful writer! Thanks for posting!

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  3. I've experienced that chilled to the bone sensation of someone passing as well - spooky but comforting all at once x

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    1. Because I didn't know at the time, I fought it. I wish I had known so I could have visited a moment longer... :(

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  4. What a beautifully written post. I have had some visits like this, I used to try and fight them, now I listen to what they tell me. x

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    1. I think sometimes they visit because I can be very hard-headed! It's their way of smacking some sense into me. :)

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  5. Oh my GOD I love this! Wow.

    Love the image of roosting upon shoulders. And can totally relate to the utter burnout we do to ourselves, and finally letting it all go and taking care again.

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    1. Oh, letting it go is so, so hard. I tend to cling and fight till the end even when I know I've lost. Funny how I didn't think of the feathers, but I do think of them as beautiful birds...and I really don't even like birds. Might have to evaluate that one!

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  6. Wow- I loved your opening paragraph. It drew me in. Beautifully expressed! I understand what you mean - that presence, walking with you or holding your hand when you need it. I get that. x

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    1. It could be creepy at first, but so comforting now. Thanks for the compliment!

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  7. Your neighbour was a very cool person, reaching out in the way he thought best.
    It's so awesome that they are ever present and still polite enough to leave you in privacy.
    It's sort of spooked me out, reading this, because it reminds me of the "eyes" that were always watching me as a child. (I'd lost this memory until just now, thank you for the trigger!) They had faces, some were malicious, some were kind, one was a curious boy and I spent many years finding a way to mentally "hide" from them. To block them.
    Your's obviously love you. :-D

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    1. I miss my neighbor so much. He was gruff and carried a lot of darkness with him, but was as giving as anyone I've ever known. I had my aura explained to me once and I believe that's why some of us "see" and feel things others don't. Quite interesting!

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  8. Oh, what incredible experiences you've had! Fabulous post. Whether we call upon these 'angels', or not, it's comforting to know that they are there. xx

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    1. I miss people, but death hasn't been a grieving process like it is for others I know. I think it's because those I've loved have never truly left me.

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  9. The gift of "inner-connectedness"...~ May it always be.

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  10. I have just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the hottest virtual strippers stripping on my taskbar.

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