March 8, 2011

My Husband Is Considering Legal Action Against Me

Seriously. He told me so the other night. His exact words were, "I'm filing suit for false bill of goods. You sold me on a false bill of goods, woman."  I asked him to provide proper evidence of his allegations. I watch a lot of Law & Order, and I wanted to be an attorney when I was 10, so I know how this business of law works.

His first piece of evidence was my clothing choice. Apparently my slouchy sweatpants (Go Devils!) and his holey sweatshirt from the police academy isn't considered sexy. Who knew?!  He recounted to me the clothes I wore when we first dated...cute skirts, frilly shirts, etc. I muttered a moment and then admitted he might have a point on this one.   

Next followed how I had quit cooking somewhere around year two of marriage. Or maybe year one...I've lost track.  I was quite the cook when we were dating and first married.  Dinners were made with care and took into consideration everyone's preferences.  Girlo Two (the eldest child) set the table sometimes, we all ate together, and sometimes got yogurt afterwards.  I defended myself heartily on this one.  I still give the same thoughtful consideration to our meals: Which drive-thru will it be?  Everyone still gets to choose what they prefer, and they usually put a treat in the kids' meals. Same outcome with a slightly different approach, but I might give a little credit for that as I can see how McDonald's dollar menu doesn't have quite the same appeal as homemade chicken and dumplins.

At this point, he's on a roll and having a great time raking me over the coals. The final hurrah, the kiss of death, was "You've lost that lovin' feelin'."  Really, Maverick? Where are your back-up singers, for the love of God?! Cause this is where I really just have to stop this hot mess.

I adore my husband. He really is my favorite, and I can say that because I've had two.  I remember fondly the butterflies in my stomach if he was coming to dinner. I remember spending hours picking out my outfit on our first date. I remember thinking this boy better marry me because I'm going to stalk him if he doesn't.  Somehow all that changes when you share the same house.  Sometimes he's just one more pair of underwear on the floor or the person leaving a dirty spoon on my countertop. Sometimes he's flat-out taking up my air.  That's the reality of what being married sometimes is.

So, I'm filing a countersuit for the same reason.  He convinced me to marry him on false grounds.  He turned out to be way more stellar than I could ever imagine. He is dirty laundry, but he also the one cleaning the kitchen. He steps up and raises our kids without question. He makes it okay for me to be me, and that's a pretty hard job. Others have failed, trust me.  I'm expecting you'll see us on Judge Judy just about any day now. 


  1. Congratulations.....Love it

  2. Thank you so much! Means the world coming from you!!